I'm not a big fan of mother's day. I'm sure many mothers enjoy it, even look forward to it. But motherhood has not been what I expected. I didn't fall in love at first sight. I'm not even sure I fell in love the first year. I suppose you could label it postpartum depression. Depression for sure. The postpartum I'm iffy about because four years later I'm still struggling.
I've always loved kids. I would ask if I could babysit. I would volunteer to change diapers. I would willing give mother's a break. But being a mother is nothing like that. Nothing at all. I'm sure somebody warned me, but I was too naive to listen.
So when people wish me Happy Mother's Day I want to scream...IF YOU KNEW MY STRUGGLE you wouldn't be wishing me that. You'd be locking me up in an asylum somewhere. Far away from my child. Far away from being able to emotionally harm him with my struggles.
But don't send me yet, because as I'm finally learning to let go. God is doing some tremendous work. He is changing me from the inside out. He is showing me that the motherhood I had envisioned: a well behaved child that doesn't talk back; a small being that sits still through, well, anything; day after day filled with nothing but joy and laughter, is just not realistic. (See my previous post if you have doubts). In essence, I'm learning that motherhood is not about me. It's not about getting my way. It's not about having control.
Really and truly, I think it is about learning the character of God. How he loves me unconditionally, even though I disobey. How me gives grace, even when I don't deserve it. How he wraps his arms around me when I'm hurt, not worrying about whether or not he's going to get dirty. It's about finding the moments of joy. When my child hears the song I Am Redeemed and declares it his favorite. When I'm having a bad day and he wraps his small arms around me and says "Mom, it's okay to cry". When out of the blue he declares "I love you". Isn't this what Jesus does for us.
My failures as a mother are numerous. I have screamed. I have spanked in anger. I have acted WAY more childish than my three year old. I have threatened to quit and run away. But here's how God sees our failures.
"Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weakness. Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me. I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes. Trust Me, and what to see what I will do." - Jesus Calling (May 9th)
And that is exactly what God is doing in me. My failures are being used for my growth. And I know that God is protecting Evan in the midst of my learning. He won't let my failures ruin my child. In fact, Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things (even my failures and mistakes) God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I have been called according to his purpose. A purpose that he is revealing slowly but ever so surely.
I've always loved kids. I would ask if I could babysit. I would volunteer to change diapers. I would willing give mother's a break. But being a mother is nothing like that. Nothing at all. I'm sure somebody warned me, but I was too naive to listen.
So when people wish me Happy Mother's Day I want to scream...IF YOU KNEW MY STRUGGLE you wouldn't be wishing me that. You'd be locking me up in an asylum somewhere. Far away from my child. Far away from being able to emotionally harm him with my struggles.
But don't send me yet, because as I'm finally learning to let go. God is doing some tremendous work. He is changing me from the inside out. He is showing me that the motherhood I had envisioned: a well behaved child that doesn't talk back; a small being that sits still through, well, anything; day after day filled with nothing but joy and laughter, is just not realistic. (See my previous post if you have doubts). In essence, I'm learning that motherhood is not about me. It's not about getting my way. It's not about having control.
Really and truly, I think it is about learning the character of God. How he loves me unconditionally, even though I disobey. How me gives grace, even when I don't deserve it. How he wraps his arms around me when I'm hurt, not worrying about whether or not he's going to get dirty. It's about finding the moments of joy. When my child hears the song I Am Redeemed and declares it his favorite. When I'm having a bad day and he wraps his small arms around me and says "Mom, it's okay to cry". When out of the blue he declares "I love you". Isn't this what Jesus does for us.
My failures as a mother are numerous. I have screamed. I have spanked in anger. I have acted WAY more childish than my three year old. I have threatened to quit and run away. But here's how God sees our failures.
"Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weakness. Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me. I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes. Trust Me, and what to see what I will do." - Jesus Calling (May 9th)
And that is exactly what God is doing in me. My failures are being used for my growth. And I know that God is protecting Evan in the midst of my learning. He won't let my failures ruin my child. In fact, Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things (even my failures and mistakes) God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I have been called according to his purpose. A purpose that he is revealing slowly but ever so surely.