It's been a struggle lately. Having a two year old will do that to you! But it's more than that. It's something deeper. Call it anxiety, call is depression, call it an anger management problem...whatever label I choose something's not right.
Here's a bit of the backstory. A few weeks ago, Evan and I had a terrible Saturday night. Both of us grumpy, both yelling, both angry. Nothing was being accomplished and I was too far into my temper to back out. The thought "I hate you" ran through my head...about myself AND about my son. It was not pretty. I wanted to lash out on him, verbally and physically. While I didn't, it was quite the eye opener that there might be a problem deeper than simply living with a strong willed two-year old.
Anyway, that was Saturday night. Sunday morning I put on my church face and headed out. You know, the one that says everything's okay :) But God had other plans. During church Pastor Kent asked if anyone needed to be anointed for healing. While I was content to stand at my pew drowning is self-pity, God had a better plan. A swift kick in the spiritual butt and I was headed down front to pray. Well, mostly to cry. Everyone was praying around me...I was just weeping. It was a spirit filled moment. A beautiful moment. But God wasn't done yet...oh no. Another kick in the spiritual butt. "I want you to testify". Huh, what? You want me to tell all these people that I was ready to pummel my child last night? "Yep, that's what I want." So I did...amidst the tears. I'm not really sure what I said, but the whole thing ended with a group of ladies surrounding me and praying! Many shared they had been through similar circumstances but one stood out among the rest and someone who truly understood my situation. (Thank you Lord, for that!)
So, that was Sunday. Monday morning rolls around and my attitude is 180 degrees different. For the first time in quite awhile I feel a peace inside...having replaced the deep-rooted bitterness that was consuming me. Wonderful, wonderful day! Tuesday...not bad. Wednesday...slowly going downhill. Thursday...Friday...Saturday: ready for another emotional breakdown! Not exactly where you thought this story was going!!
But the story doesn't end there. I love to read...and write...and God obviously knows that about me (since he created me) and that is where the rest of the victory lies. Books have been pouring into my life (one quite literally showed up unexpectedly in an Amazon smile box...thanks Michelle!) and God is slowly using them to begin a great awakening in my life. Here's the list...
- Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst
- Becoming Who You Are by Dutch Sheets
- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
I don't believe God wants me to live trapped in this life of bitterness and anger and rage. Many who know me may be surprised to find out I struggle with these (then again, maybe they won't??). But I want to share this journey...for you and for me. I want to be able to look back and see what God has done. I want to stay motivated to seek him by knowing that others are anxiously awaiting the next chapter. Most importantly, I want this journey to glorify HIM.
"I long to make your life a glorious adventure, but you must stop clinging to old ways."
- Jesus Calling, July 5th
Here's to the journey...